O/T Funny

[waltr]

Dear Diary:

For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the

dear) purchased a week of personal training at the

local health club for me. Although I am still in great

shape since playing on my college football team 45yrs

ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and

give it a try. I called the club and made my

reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified

herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for

an athletic clothing and swimwear catalogue.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get

started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to

chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when

I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting

for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with

blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.

She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I

attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra

aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in

which she conducted her aerobics class after my

workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my

sit-ups, Although my gut was already aching from

holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it

out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push

a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put

weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the

treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's

rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the

toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and

forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both

pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to

steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club

parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting

that my screams bothered the other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the

morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally

whines that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda

put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone

invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered

obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help

me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other

**** too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth

exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a

full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late;

it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me

to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I

ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find

me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine

-- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being

has ever hated any other human being in the history of

the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading

*****. If there were a part of my body I could move

without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have

any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,

don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that

weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health

and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been

someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir

director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her

grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up

today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the

machine with my planner. However, I lacked the

strength to even use the TV remote and ended up

catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services

today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is

over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the

other *****), will choose a gift for me that is fun

--like a root canal or a vasectomy

 

[Jerry Wyss]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Gawd Waltr,,,Your Funny! :lol: :lol: :lol:

That cracked Me Up, Big Time,,,, She was "German", Waltr :lol: :lol: ,,,The blonde hair was a dead give away,,,Good One!!

 

[Don Ferrette]

Some Wednesday morning humor-

DUI - TEXAS STYLE

Only a true Texan could think of this.... from the county where Drunk

driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in

Austin, TX. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the Bar, apparently

so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the

parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five

different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar

and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off

(it was a fine, dry summer night)-- flicked the blinkers on, then off a

couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then

remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron

vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and

started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having

patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on

the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a

Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of

the man having consumed any alcohol at all!! Dumbfounded, the officer

said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This

Breathalyzer equipment must be broken".

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Cowboy. "Tonight I'm the

Designated Decoy."

We Ain't all as dumb as we look!!!

 

[John Knight]

A little girl asks her mother if she can take the dog for a walk around the block.

Mother replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked the girl.

"Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and to come talk with you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over to me." He took a rag, soaked it in gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and then said, "OK, you can take her now. Keep her on the leash and only take her for one time around the block. No more." The little girl left and returned a short while later with no dog.

Surprised, Dad asked "Where's Belle?"

YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!

The little girl answered " She ran out of gas about halfway around the block and another dog is pushing her home."

 

[Tim_Duggan]

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sitting in hospital talking to his friend.

"Well that's me screwed, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"

His friend replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney"

 

[Ron Olson]

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr.

Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in our store:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

restrooms.

4. July 19 : Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,

'Code 3' in Housewares, and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, pra cticed his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And; last, but not least!

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"