off topic

[Nigtmare]

A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to go for hours and hours." The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. " The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[rcboatlover]

That's good. I never would have guessed that ending!

Thanks for making my day!



Dale P.

 

[Nigtmare]

Cajun - Boudreaux Fishing

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night

crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in

his mouf.

He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat

froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real

careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de

haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself

roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, him had a

real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait

can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite

him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib over

hauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops i! nto de

snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body

go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back

to fishin'.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe. He

slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs :lol:

 

[missbudpilot55]

Nightmare, man you mus have som french in you , caus you done told dem joke real good yha.For one dem dudes from Canada. And I tought us Cajuns could only tel dem Boudreaux joke cha!!!!!!!!!!! Yeha,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[nitrotoys]

LMAO, Poor Boy, Didnt want to look at her dad.

 

[Nigtmare]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: And then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post onthe right.

Man: And then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

Some things you just can't explain :unsure: :blink:

 

[Nigtmare]

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy? 'A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy? 'Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.' What do you mean you found my sponge? "The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!'

 

[Nigtmare]

Nightmare, man you mus have som french in you , caus you done told dem joke real good yha.For one dem dudes from Canada.  And I tought us Cajuns could only tel dem Boudreaux joke cha!!!!!!!!!!! Yeha,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

86207[/snapback]

​

Noooooooooooooooooo way no french in me!!It is bad enough i have some greek in me :huh: :lol:

 

[Ron Olson]

Darwin Awards (DUH Awards)

>>

>>They're back - Darwin Awards 2004 -- Yes, it's that magical time of the

> year

>>again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least

>>evolved among us.

>>Here then, are the glorious winners for 2004. The 2004 Darwin Award

> Winners:

>>

>>1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim

> during a

>>holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did

> something

>>that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the

> trigger

>>again. This time it worked.....

>>

>>And now, the honorable mentions:

>>

>>2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting

> machine

>>and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his

>>insurance company.

>>The company suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look

> for

>>himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim

>>was approved.

>>

>>3. A man who shoveled snow for two hours to clear a space for his car

> during a

>>blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find that a woman had

> taken

>>the space. Understandably, he shot her.

>>

>>4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver

> found

>>that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare

> to

>>Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the

>>driver went to

>>a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then

>>delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that

>>the

>>patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception

>>wasn't discovered for 3 days.

>>

>>5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious

>>head wounds

>>received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries,

> the

>>lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get

>>his

>>head to a moving train before he was hit.

>>

>>6. A man walked into a UniMart, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked

> for

>>change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and

> asked

>>for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The

> man

>>took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the

>>counter. The

>>total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a

>>gun

> at

>>you and gives you money, has a crime been committed?)

>>

>>7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and

> carrying a

>>gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,

> MOTHER-STICKERS,

>>THIS IS A **** UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the sniggers

>>started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing.

> It

>>probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun, and he

>>couldn't possibly have drawn and fired before the thief shot him.

>>The thief ran

>>away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later

>>put a plaque

>>on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a

>>****-up!"

>>

>>8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that

> he'd

>>just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze,

> and

>>run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the

> window.

>>The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,

> knocking

>>him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The

>>whole event

>>was caught on videotape.

>>

>>9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed

> her

>>purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was

>>able to give

>>them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police

>>apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the

> store.

>>The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a

> positive

>>ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady

>>I stole the

>>purse from."

>>

>>10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a

> Burger

>>King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.

> The

>>clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register

>>without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said

>>they

>>weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

>>

>>A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

>>

>>11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a

>>Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at

> the

>>scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled

>>sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal

>>gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by

>>mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying

>>that it was

>>the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

[david cox]

Keep 'em coming Nick and Ron. I'm loving it!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Don Ferrette]

Bad Cop

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl

on her new shiny bike stopped beside

him."Nice bike", the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep", the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety

violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of

it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there

sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the

dick goes underneath the horse not on top.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Don Ferrette]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented Harley motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "yah, that's me..." God commented, "Well, what's a big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion, it chatters constantly at high speeds, most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much, the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and the maintenance costs are outrageous!!" "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, way more men are riding my invention than yours." B)

 

[Nitro20001]

A man had just finished fishing when along came a Game Warden. He saw the mans bucket of fish and tells him,"That's way too many fish to have. Do you have a fishing licence?"

The man says, "Oh I did'nt catch these fish, they're my pets."

The Warden says, "Really?"

The man says,"Yep, I bring them down here evry Saturday morn to swim. When they're done I just call them and they swim back into this here bucket."

The Warden says "I don't believe you."

The man says, "I can prove it to you."

The Warden says, "Ok. Prove it."

So the men walk back to where the man was fishing, and the man throws the fish in to the lake and he and the Warden are standing there for a few minutes.

The Warden says, "So call the fish back?"

The man says, "What fish?"

 

[Nigtmare]

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,''That was a karate chop from China.''

The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ''Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!'' :lol: :lol:

 

[Nigtmare]

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away.

Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Nigtmare]

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.

"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.

"$345," says the doctor.

"$345!!?" the lady asks.

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[fred uftring]

.IRISH JOKE

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest

of

me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best

toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye

now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest

of me life, sitting in church beside me

wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the

street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and

said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about

you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and

I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in

the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and

the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

 

[Nigtmare]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

:lol:

 

[Nigtmare]

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?" :lol: