more off topic humor........

[Rick Raffaelli]

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there

was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up

next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away

for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my

lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked

the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to

straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it

knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee

between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined

the **** phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important

call.

**** women drivers!!!

 

[Rick Raffaelli]

>Raisin Bread

>

>A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short

>skirts and thong panties.

>

>One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances

>at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her

>skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a

>brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man

>says politely.

>

>The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin

bread,

>which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost

>directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he

>surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he

really

>should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

>

>As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male

>customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his

>own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With

each

>trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another

>male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin

>bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

>

>After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is

really

>going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the

>ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She

>notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.

>

>Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is

>it raisin for you, too?"

>

>"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

 

[Dorkhedeos]

why does michael jackson like to shop at kmart?

they have kids pants half off

 

[Terry Flynn]

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing.

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night.

You hear her stumble into bed around 4.

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she

used

last night.

You are happy to see it all in one piece.

But ....., Wait a minute .....

 

[NITROSNIFER]

:blink: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: the wife said NO, I tried :lol: :lol:

 

[Don Ferrette]

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing.
You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night.

You hear her stumble into bed around 4.

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she

used

last night.

You are happy to see it all in one piece.

But .....,  Wait a minute .....

82214[/snapback]

​

OMG!! THAT IS TOO **** FUNNY!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Don Ferrette]

Here's another good one..........

> After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary.

>

> His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the

> couple's multi-million dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a

> little better, he prevailed.

>

> He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

>

> She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates

> and suitcases.

>

> On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

>

> On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their

> beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background

> music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle

> of Chardonnay.

>

> When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited

> a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of

> the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

>

> When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for

> the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They

> tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents

> were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air

> fresheners were hung everywhere.

>

> Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during

> which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid

> to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

>

> Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen

> refused to work in the house...The maid quit...

>

> Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

>

> A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they

> could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and

> eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

>

> Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank

> to purchase a new place.

>

> The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told

> her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that

> she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her

> divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

>

> Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed

> on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But

> only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and

> within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

>

> A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as

> they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

>

> including the curtain rods.

 

[Don Ferrette]

.........and one more-

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her

telephone failed to ring when her friends called -and that on the few occasions

when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic

dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which clearly demonstrates that some problems

CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

[Terry Flynn]

:lol: An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view

was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "Y'know"

said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow

there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th

drink after you buy 4."

"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman

there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's

Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a

drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had

enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the

house."

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's

claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman, "did

this actually happen to you?" "No, not me personally," said the

Irishman. "But it did happen to my sister."

 

[Terry Flynn]

Black Boxes in 4-wheel Drives

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had

covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five

years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel

drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the

circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 40 of the 50 states the last words of

drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!"

Only the states of Georgia, Florida, North and South Carolina,

Mississippi, Virginia, Arkansas, Alabama, Texas and Tennessee were

different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my

beer and watch this." :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Don Ferrette]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - I NOT COME TO WORK TODAY

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, Boss I not come work today,

really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not

come work."

The Boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I

feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes

everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I

feel great. I be at work at noon. You got nice house."

 

[PHM Racing]

Superman is standing on a building in the US looking around and spot's

Wonder Women sun bathing nude on a roof top Superman sez to himself

boy i'd like a peice of that then thinks to him self i can do my buisness and

get out of there in the speed of light and nobody would now it was me

so he fly in does his buisness and fly's away Wonder Women sez what the

hell was that the Invisable Man sez i don't now but my A$$ is killing me

 

[TimD]

What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and

78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? Who's bed??? Who the hell are you???