more off topic humor........

[Don Ferrette]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn - the wife likes to

read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and

decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat

out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read

her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman

and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at

any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the

woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could

start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Jerry Wyss]

:lol: :lol: THAT, was a Good One!!

 

[Grub]

Another funny one

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young

mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've

even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it

manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too

shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

 

[[email protected]]

:lol: :lol: .......he said Dick :lol: :lol:

 

[Jerry Wyss]

:lol: Gawd Rodney Your makin' me cry! :lol: :lol:

It reminds me of a joke I was telling my imediate family:

Man goes to the Doctor and tells him "Hey Doc, I'm havin' this certain problem"

Doctor say's "here, take these two suppositories and see me in the mornin"

Man comes back and the Doctor ask's "How'd those suppositories work?"

Man say's "Doc, For all the good those things done me , I could have shoved them

Up My A$$!---- With That my 72yr old Mom said "What'd He Do,,Eat 'Em" :lol: :lol:

She was funnier than the Punch Line

 

[wswatzell]

I heard this one on the radio this morning.

A wealthy couple is at a party, The wife tells her husband that she is tired & was going to have there driver take her home. When she gets home, she sees the butler sitting on the couch in front of the fire place sipping some brandy, & smoking a cigar. She sits down next him & says to him "take off my dress, braw, & panties. The butler stands up & does as she asks, then sits back down. She then says....... "If I catch you wearing my cloths again, you're fired!!"

 

[Nigtmare]

A pilot got shot out of the sky during the war. he parachuted to the ground, but he got caught by the enemy. He was badly hurt, so they had to operate on him and amputate his left leg. the pilot asked the enemy if they can send his leg back to his home. They did that. A week later, they amputated the right leg. The pilot again asked them if they could send his leg to his home and they did that again. a couple of days later, they had to amputate his left arm. again the pilot asked him if they could send the arm to his home. The enemy this time said no to him. When the pilot asked why, the enemy said," we think your just trying to escape" :lol: :lol: :lol: :blink:

 

[Nigtmare]

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead

with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a

mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving

and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he

starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking

place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal

to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run

down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he

gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone

who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in

bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Jones

is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies

that he is in bed with the flu, and has been all day. :lol: :lol: :lol:

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she

asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the

garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police

car.........with all its lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting............ :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Mike G]

Ok if it takes 6 Aussie blokes 3 hours to dig a hole 3'X3'x6' deep, how long would it take 3 American guys to dig half a hole?

 

[TimD]

Ok if it takes 6 Aussie blokes 3 hours to dig a hole 3'X3'x6' deep, how long would it take 3 American guys to dig half a hole?

81908[/snapback]

​

Only you could get away with that one Mike! :lol:

 

[Mike G]

Well I was going to make the hole 1 sq meter 2 meters deep but I wanted to keep it simple. :blink:

I thought someone would have answered by now though! B)

 

[izitbrokeyet?]

My keen survival instincts told me to stay away from that hook B) .........lets see who bites

 

[TimD]

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of

cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.

"Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

"'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,

"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

 

[Terry Flynn]

A man and his wife were driving home one very

cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop

the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the

road and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly

frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm,

and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in

the car with it." Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and

warm there."But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she

used to beat him with died at the scene.? :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Dorkhedeos]

you cant dig half a hole, a hole is a hole

 

[Nigtmare]

Terry I'm in tears :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Mike G]

:lol: Dorkhedeos " you cant dig half a hole, a hole is a hole"

Yeah! Give that man a beer! :lol:

 

[Don Ferrette]

Ok if it takes 6 Aussie blokes 3 hours to dig a hole 3'X3'x6' deep, how long would it take 3 American guys to dig half a hole?

81908[/snapback]

​

I've never seen a 1/2 a hole?

Can you send me a picture?

Must be an Aussie thing..... :lol:

 

[TimD]

Must be an Aussie thing.....  :lol:

81943[/snapback]

​

That's just the thing, Mike G is a "Yank". :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Mike G]

:lol: Hey I resemble that! :lol:

A Yank soaking up the sun in Oz B)

Life is gooood